The Merits of Lying

I lied to my parents exactly once. In fifth grade, I told them there would not be any boys at the movie theater with us girls, when in fact, there would be boys there. The fact that none of said lied-about boys had any interest in me was of no merit when I was ultimately found-out and grounded. 

The “found-out” part was mostly my parents taking one look at my face because I am a terrible liar. I am inherently too honest for my own good. I believe in the case of the movies, I had been instructed by my friends to omit the part about the boys coming to meet us. I clearly failed. Death by smirk. But generally, it does not occur to me to say anything other than what is true. 

Except when I travel. Then I’m on some kind of espionage binge. Lies I’ve constructed while traveling range from wearing a fake wedding ring to pretending not to speak English. I’m sure this stems from my deep-seated desire to be a spy, and being somewhere else entirely is the only time I can try that out without any real-life application, training, or knowledge whatsoever. 

I’ve been watching The Wire, which is not helping in either my spy/detective fantasies nor my ability to function without deep suspicion. It may be important to note that by “watching,” I mean, I’ve been staying up until 4 a.m. every night, six episodes deep, unable to separate West Baltimore from my own life. I’m writing this now to keep myself from starting Season 3 in the middle of the night. 

I will refrain from telling you all the reasons I’m hooked on this show. But I will tell you it’s making me wish I were better at the whole lying thing. Because it leads me to believe that if I were better at lying, I could:

1) Interrogate like a boss.

2) Be an actual boss. 

3) Go on a stakeout. (People-watching and snacks!)

4) Instead of my face only looking bitchy when I’m concentrating, I could make it look fierce at anytime. 

5) Drive a brand-new car. I don’t know how this relates to lying, but I feel like the first step to stealing has to be lying. 

6) Stall for more time. (I’m a procrastinator, this is key.)

7) Be in one place while telling people I am in another place. Did you know this was possible? 

8) Instead of waiting to be on an airplane to go off the grid, I could ignore my phone whenever I pleased. 

9) Tap someone else’s phone.

10) Have wild stories of things I’ve done and seen. Perhaps something more exciting than being grounded for going to the movies. 

11) Create an alternate reality to fall back on in case this one really tanks. 

12) Make an undercover drug deal.

13) Bring down an entire drug ring. 

14) Meet Idris Elba. 

I realize these last three are probably only applicable to the TV show, but hey, that’s lying for ya'! Or is it? I don’t really understand how it works.